For Andrew's birthday my in-laws gave us a family pass to the Fort Worth Science and History museum. So fun! Last Saturday night we went for a quick tour and saw the IMAX film Butterflies. Wow!
The migration patterns of the monarch butterfly are amazing. Not just because it is a long and specific journey but because it takes a year and 4 generations to complete. The first 3 generations live only 2-6 weeks but the last generation will live for up to 8 months! The butterflies born just before autumn are super butterflies and will travel from Canada to Mexico and hibernate in the same trees as their great-grandparents! After the winter, they will head to Texas and the cycle starts again.
I always thought I would be an early generation butterfly. Enjoy a little milkweed, build a cocoon, turn into a beautiful butterfly, enjoy a short but nice trip from the Texas hill country to somewhere in Oklahoma, mate, lay several hundred eggs and then die. I NEVER imagined I would be a 4th generation super monarch butterfly.
I wanted my life to fit in a perfect box. Graduate from college, land a job, get married to an amazing hardworking man, have a small house in the suburbs, then a baby boy, next upgrade to a bigger house, have a sweet baby girl, leave my job of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and finally have a 3rd perfect child. A blend-in with the crowd family who loved the Lord, volunteered at school and had Friday pizza and movie night.
But this last year my "plans" came to a SCREECHING halt. My family is still amazing but it doesn't fit in a box. I feel like "that" Mom. The one who started a blog. The one who lost her son. The one others say has incredible strength, faith and courage.
I wanted a simple journey through life but lately I don't feel like God had the same plan. I have this strange feeling that I am destined for more. To struggle to make a LONG journey from Canada to Mexico. To learn to use all my reserve energy to fly higher and longer than the 3 generations before me. To have a more difficult, less predictable but purposeful life.
I can't say that I know what my journey will look like but I hope and pray it won't fit in a box. That He will use me in ways I can't imagine. That we will become a loving family for those who don't know His love. That I will be the hands and feet of Christ and teach my children to do the same.
I wanted the early generation life but I am adapting to the path of the 4th generation. Please don't misunderstand. I don't think I am "better" than the first three generations and I would gladly trade it all for the simple TX to OK path. But, I pray He will teach me to use and appreciate the Canada to Mexico path.
Lord, help me to trust in Your ways. To sift through the ashes and dance among the ruins. To see the signs of Spring and let beauty rise. This is my hope and Your promise. Amen.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
It's been a while
It has been a while since I have written. Not because our journey is over or because things are going so well. But because I just haven't had the courage. The haze has lifted and the pain killers are gone. I am afraid to write. To share. I am scared of what others might think.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
John 16:33
"I have said these things to you, that in me
you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I
have overcome the world.”
STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN - SEE
Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
Monday, January 21, 2013
Are my days better or worse?
My mom asked this question earlier this week and it made me think. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it was all just a bad bad dream. Until something reminds me. The beautiful candle made from casket flowers arrives in the mail, an aquaintance asks how the baby is, the freaky stalker-like Target baby coupons arrive in the mail or a stranger asks how many children we have. That is when my reality is no longer a dream.
I recently went to a friend's house that I visited the weekend before Charlie was born. I realized that when I was there for the Christmas party I wasn't really mentally or emotionally in that place. It was surreal to sit in her living room and remember what a different person I was then. Not better or worse just different.
I have read blogs and books that would mention something was a "sign" and the skeptic in me would believe they were making the "sign" fit their situation. I'm still a little cynical but I do believe over the last few months God has demonstrated his love is simple but moving ways.
For instance, I recently started running, okay jogging, alright technically a very, very brisk walking pace with a little bounce :) At about the 30 min mark my feet would fall asleep. Not fun to run on that pins and needles feeling. After a little research, I decided I needed new shoes. I have always bought the same pair of shoes from Run On. I just show them the old ones and they ring up the newest model. It probably isn't a suprise that the last year has done a number on our finances. We are clearly on a budget which doesn't include fancy running shoes. However, Jared had received a $100 gift card and he generously offered to split it. So we headed up to Academy and I tried on almost all the shoes under the $49.99. None of them fit well. I casually went down the more pricey aisle and a red tag stuck out $52.99. Wait! Those were MY shoes! I am sure they were the 2011 model but really "Who cares?!" Amazingly there were ONE pair of the shoes and they were my size. Jared found a pair he liked and when we got to the checkout stand our total was $100.52.
I know it is silly but in that moment I felt like God was patting us on the back saying, "The finances will work out just trust in Me."
I recently went to a friend's house that I visited the weekend before Charlie was born. I realized that when I was there for the Christmas party I wasn't really mentally or emotionally in that place. It was surreal to sit in her living room and remember what a different person I was then. Not better or worse just different.
I have read blogs and books that would mention something was a "sign" and the skeptic in me would believe they were making the "sign" fit their situation. I'm still a little cynical but I do believe over the last few months God has demonstrated his love is simple but moving ways.
For instance, I recently started running, okay jogging, alright technically a very, very brisk walking pace with a little bounce :) At about the 30 min mark my feet would fall asleep. Not fun to run on that pins and needles feeling. After a little research, I decided I needed new shoes. I have always bought the same pair of shoes from Run On. I just show them the old ones and they ring up the newest model. It probably isn't a suprise that the last year has done a number on our finances. We are clearly on a budget which doesn't include fancy running shoes. However, Jared had received a $100 gift card and he generously offered to split it. So we headed up to Academy and I tried on almost all the shoes under the $49.99. None of them fit well. I casually went down the more pricey aisle and a red tag stuck out $52.99. Wait! Those were MY shoes! I am sure they were the 2011 model but really "Who cares?!" Amazingly there were ONE pair of the shoes and they were my size. Jared found a pair he liked and when we got to the checkout stand our total was $100.52.
I know it is silly but in that moment I felt like God was patting us on the back saying, "The finances will work out just trust in Me."
Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
One Month
It has been one month since we met and said goodbye to Charlie. I have dreaded this day for a while now. I wish I was putting that cute one month sticker on his white onesie and posting it to Facebook or even that I might be in the NICU by his side as he was about to have heart surgery. Instead I will place flowers on his grave.
I have mixed feelings about visiting the cemetary. It is a place to reflect and remember yet I don't want to envision him in that tiny casket. I know that only the shell of his sweet broken body is buried there.
Andrew rarely talks about Charlie but this morning on the way to school he said, "Mom, if Charlie would have lived I would have given him ALL my stuffed animals." The only words I could muster were "Me too buddy. Me too."
Lord be with us all today. Stay close to Andrew at school. Watch over Jared as he takes down Christmas lights. Be near me and Mckinley as we travel to cemetary. In your name.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
I have mixed feelings about visiting the cemetary. It is a place to reflect and remember yet I don't want to envision him in that tiny casket. I know that only the shell of his sweet broken body is buried there.
Andrew rarely talks about Charlie but this morning on the way to school he said, "Mom, if Charlie would have lived I would have given him ALL my stuffed animals." The only words I could muster were "Me too buddy. Me too."
Lord be with us all today. Stay close to Andrew at school. Watch over Jared as he takes down Christmas lights. Be near me and Mckinley as we travel to cemetary. In your name.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Tears
Over the last few days the topic of crying has come to mind. Mostly how to prevent myself from doing it.
I think about being invited to look at Christmas lights in a limo a few weeks ago and Jared jumping at the chance. But me? No way! The thought of being trapped was too overwhelming. What if I lost it?
I think about our minister, who performed the graveside service, calling a few days later to check in. He said he had to debrief with another minister after the service because it was overwhelming. He mentioned looking up and seeing the tears streaming down my face and then glancing behind me to see the same in my Dad.
I think about the many times Andrew has "pretend cried" about Charlie. The boy can bawl because his sister rips his art work but his brother dying. That's a different story. And yes, I know this is completely normal.
I wonder why I sat through Le Mis and The Impossible and didn't shed a tear. I loved the movies and felt the pain and sadness but not one tear.
During the holidays, I rarely had to hold it together and I could always walk out of the room or leave the event if it got to be too much. But with the start of school and activities this week that won't be the case. I worry about making others uncomfortable or breaking into the ugly cry?
Why can't I cry like Monica Potter? "Kristina" bawls through every episode of Parenthood and somehow looks cute doing it!
All this concern about crying made me think what does God say about tears? Okay I didn't really come up with the question on my own. As a good southern woman would say, " God placed it on my heart." He did so through a book my Dad recently brought over...on his Harley.
book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie is a one year devotional and so far it completely speaks to me. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that he just "felt" he was supposed to buy it after seeing it out of place several times in Costco.
I didn't realize what scared me so much about crying until I read this passage.
I used to rarely cry, but now tears are always close to the surface, just waiting to be released. It is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored. Letting them out has been the only way to release the pressure of the pain. Along with relief, there is also the uncomfortable loss of control that is a companion to tears, isn't there?
Bingo that's it. Control. I need it. I thrive on it. But I no longer have it. Charlie taught me that and these tears reinforce it.
Andrew cries over a ripped paper but I can see a bigger picture and I know his sadness is temporary. I think that is how Jesus felt when He saw the people crying for Lazarus. Yet, he didn't belittle their pain or tell them to get over it or even try to distract them.
He wept.
I think He cried for the hurt Mary and Martha felt and because He could see what they couldn't.
I believe Charlie is being loved and cared for in a perfect place. I have faith that he is happy and healthy. But because I am human I don't comprehend the way He does and so I grieve. And because I cry so does He. My God doesn't tell me not to cry or to hide it but that He will cry with me and collect my tears and someday wipe them all away forever.
So if I cry when someone speaks to me, it will be okay. They shouldn't feel guilty for making me cry because they didn't. Losing Charlie did. It isn't comfortable to be the one that everyone feels uncomfortable around, but I can't change it.
So I will take a deep breath, say a prayer and get in the carpool line...with God wiping away the tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4
Jesus wept. John 11:35
I think about being invited to look at Christmas lights in a limo a few weeks ago and Jared jumping at the chance. But me? No way! The thought of being trapped was too overwhelming. What if I lost it?
I think about our minister, who performed the graveside service, calling a few days later to check in. He said he had to debrief with another minister after the service because it was overwhelming. He mentioned looking up and seeing the tears streaming down my face and then glancing behind me to see the same in my Dad.
I think about the many times Andrew has "pretend cried" about Charlie. The boy can bawl because his sister rips his art work but his brother dying. That's a different story. And yes, I know this is completely normal.
I wonder why I sat through Le Mis and The Impossible and didn't shed a tear. I loved the movies and felt the pain and sadness but not one tear.
During the holidays, I rarely had to hold it together and I could always walk out of the room or leave the event if it got to be too much. But with the start of school and activities this week that won't be the case. I worry about making others uncomfortable or breaking into the ugly cry?
Why can't I cry like Monica Potter? "Kristina" bawls through every episode of Parenthood and somehow looks cute doing it!
All this concern about crying made me think what does God say about tears? Okay I didn't really come up with the question on my own. As a good southern woman would say, " God placed it on my heart." He did so through a book my Dad recently brought over...on his Harley.
book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie is a one year devotional and so far it completely speaks to me. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that he just "felt" he was supposed to buy it after seeing it out of place several times in Costco.
I didn't realize what scared me so much about crying until I read this passage.
I used to rarely cry, but now tears are always close to the surface, just waiting to be released. It is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored. Letting them out has been the only way to release the pressure of the pain. Along with relief, there is also the uncomfortable loss of control that is a companion to tears, isn't there?
Bingo that's it. Control. I need it. I thrive on it. But I no longer have it. Charlie taught me that and these tears reinforce it.
Andrew cries over a ripped paper but I can see a bigger picture and I know his sadness is temporary. I think that is how Jesus felt when He saw the people crying for Lazarus. Yet, he didn't belittle their pain or tell them to get over it or even try to distract them.
He wept.
I think He cried for the hurt Mary and Martha felt and because He could see what they couldn't.
I believe Charlie is being loved and cared for in a perfect place. I have faith that he is happy and healthy. But because I am human I don't comprehend the way He does and so I grieve. And because I cry so does He. My God doesn't tell me not to cry or to hide it but that He will cry with me and collect my tears and someday wipe them all away forever.
So if I cry when someone speaks to me, it will be okay. They shouldn't feel guilty for making me cry because they didn't. Losing Charlie did. It isn't comfortable to be the one that everyone feels uncomfortable around, but I can't change it.
So I will take a deep breath, say a prayer and get in the carpool line...with God wiping away the tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4
Jesus wept. John 11:35
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas Eve
I can remember in years past sitting in church on Christmas eve and the pastor briefly speaking to those who were hurting. I said a prayer for "those people" but I didn't have a clue how they felt.
Last week when family and friends around me were crying and hurting, I felt strong. I had the most time with our Charlie. I knew that despite how precious and perfect he was on the outside that on the inside not a single one of his organs worked properly. I knew the moment he left this earth his body was completely healed and he was in the arms of my God. His God.
So I pulled it together and with Jared's help planned the perfect service and "celebration." I picked up the kids from school and went to the kindergarten Christmas party to show Andrew that Mommy was okay. I made sure they wore the perfect Christmas clothes for each event. I wrapped the presents and did the last minute shopping. We bought a cute and cuddly puppy and a fish for each kid. We went on a much needed date and talked about vacation plans. I sifted through sympathy, Christmas and flower cards. I made spreadsheets of addresses, started the thank you notes and addressed birth/death announcements.
But today as I sit in the grocery store parking lot watching everyone enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I feel lost. I feel sad and alone. The flowers have wilted and some of the family has gone. My physical wounds are healing and his death certificate came in the mail. The hospital bills are arriving and the table of "Charlie memories" has been replaced with Christmas decorations.
I thought I could cheerfully enjoy the holidays. I mean I have 2 adorable and precious kids opening presents, singing Christmas carols and playing charades. Who wouldn't feel cheerful? But I'm just not. Sure I laugh and smile but inside I feel so broken. Why can't I have that sweet boy in my arms? Why didn't God heal his body? Why couldn't he let me keep him? I just miss him more than I could have ever imagined.
I guess just as my physical wounds will leave a scar so will the emotional ones. I just wonder what kind of scar I will be left with. One I rarely notice? One that is hidden from others? Or will it be a greater scar? My uncle who suffered an incredible loss said to, "Find our new normal." Will we? And when?
Today I will pray for those hurting with a new understanding. I will join them in trying to feel the joys of the holiday seasons. But it is likely there will be more sorrow than joy this year. I will try and remember the most important part of the season and praise God for his Son.
Because it is true. "A baby changes everything..."
Last week when family and friends around me were crying and hurting, I felt strong. I had the most time with our Charlie. I knew that despite how precious and perfect he was on the outside that on the inside not a single one of his organs worked properly. I knew the moment he left this earth his body was completely healed and he was in the arms of my God. His God.
So I pulled it together and with Jared's help planned the perfect service and "celebration." I picked up the kids from school and went to the kindergarten Christmas party to show Andrew that Mommy was okay. I made sure they wore the perfect Christmas clothes for each event. I wrapped the presents and did the last minute shopping. We bought a cute and cuddly puppy and a fish for each kid. We went on a much needed date and talked about vacation plans. I sifted through sympathy, Christmas and flower cards. I made spreadsheets of addresses, started the thank you notes and addressed birth/death announcements.
But today as I sit in the grocery store parking lot watching everyone enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I feel lost. I feel sad and alone. The flowers have wilted and some of the family has gone. My physical wounds are healing and his death certificate came in the mail. The hospital bills are arriving and the table of "Charlie memories" has been replaced with Christmas decorations.
I thought I could cheerfully enjoy the holidays. I mean I have 2 adorable and precious kids opening presents, singing Christmas carols and playing charades. Who wouldn't feel cheerful? But I'm just not. Sure I laugh and smile but inside I feel so broken. Why can't I have that sweet boy in my arms? Why didn't God heal his body? Why couldn't he let me keep him? I just miss him more than I could have ever imagined.
I guess just as my physical wounds will leave a scar so will the emotional ones. I just wonder what kind of scar I will be left with. One I rarely notice? One that is hidden from others? Or will it be a greater scar? My uncle who suffered an incredible loss said to, "Find our new normal." Will we? And when?
Today I will pray for those hurting with a new understanding. I will join them in trying to feel the joys of the holiday seasons. But it is likely there will be more sorrow than joy this year. I will try and remember the most important part of the season and praise God for his Son.
Because it is true. "A baby changes everything..."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Celebration
There will be a private family graveside service for Charlie on Saturday. Following the service we welcome you to join us in a come and go celebration from 3-5 at our home, 3713 Hillsdale Drive, in Flower Mound.
Andrew is in full party planning mode for his brother. He has talked about the party for a long time and is focusing on a flower theme :) He reminded me last night a party isn't complete without friends so bring your little ones and help us all celebrate our sweet angel.
Many have asked about flowers for the service or a charity to donate in his name. The funeral home is Coker-Hawkins in Decatur. As far as donations, we used an incredible organization, Now I lay me down to sleep, for pictures after Charlie was born. I also was recently reminded that Charlie received more love in his short hour of life than many children receive in their entire lifetime. So, giving to your local food bank or favorite missions that provide assistance to children would mean a great deal to us.
And finally, many have requested to bring meals and so my dear friend set up a calendar. Below is the link.
http://supportplanner.caringbridge.org/planners/beckyhornbackmealplansignup
Thank you all for your support, prayers and encouragement. We are completely surrounded in love.
Andrew is in full party planning mode for his brother. He has talked about the party for a long time and is focusing on a flower theme :) He reminded me last night a party isn't complete without friends so bring your little ones and help us all celebrate our sweet angel.
Many have asked about flowers for the service or a charity to donate in his name. The funeral home is Coker-Hawkins in Decatur. As far as donations, we used an incredible organization, Now I lay me down to sleep, for pictures after Charlie was born. I also was recently reminded that Charlie received more love in his short hour of life than many children receive in their entire lifetime. So, giving to your local food bank or favorite missions that provide assistance to children would mean a great deal to us.
And finally, many have requested to bring meals and so my dear friend set up a calendar. Below is the link.
http://supportplanner.caringbridge.org/planners/beckyhornbackmealplansignup
Thank you all for your support, prayers and encouragement. We are completely surrounded in love.
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