In January of 2012, I made a commitment to read 24 books throughout the year. 12 fiction and 12 non-fiction. A little bit of everything and all recommended by friends and family. I started the year out on pace. Of course I started with a lot easy stuff like The Hunger Games Trilogy and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy. But I also got through (and enjoyed!) Heaven is for Real, The Solomon Secrets and A Deeper Kind of Calm. By July I was working on my 12th book, Love Walked In. And that's when I got derailed.
I never quit trying but I just couldn't get through a book. Rarely even a page. Jared and I took the kids to the beach for a week and I still didn't make progress. I started to get frustrated and even worried. Why couldn't I read? Even at the beach?!
It was my therapist that pointed out that under the circumstances it was a completely normal reaction. What a relief! And it does make sense. Reading requires a lot of concentration and I simply didn't have any extra to devote to a pastime, even a beloved one. But I still really needed something that would give me a mental break from all that we were facing and that's when she suggested finding a TV series. So I did. Watching episodes back to back doesn't require a lot of focus. You don't have to think about what happened the week before or even season before since you just watched it. I am ashamed at how many hours I logged on the IPad on some free TV website (that I am not sure is technically legal) in the evenings and middle of the night. I watched 3 seasons of Downton Abbey, 5 seasons of Castle and several others. But we were in survival mode and so I went with whatever worked.
I think next time someone is struggling or in the hospital I will take them a TV series DVD instead of a magazine or a book :)
This past week we spent time in Hot Springs, Arkansas at Lake Hamilton. The lake house belongs to my Uncle and Aunt and we are very grateful that they have allowed us to hang out there the past two spring breaks. We love it! It is an amazing place, full of incredible views and it allows our family to rest and reconnect.
So I packed my books hoping to try again and guess what? I FINALLY finished Love Walked In and read all of Zero Day. I found three things inside the book it took me almost 8 months to read. First was a receipt for a pedicure I treated myself to at the end of my first trimester but before the dreaded call from the doctor. Second was a picture Andrew drew sometime after school started (I know this because that is when he started calling me Mama. Oh Spanish immersion!! :) And finally the best sonogram picture we have of Charlie from November.
Not sure what all of this means but I am starting to feel like slowly the pieces of my life are being put back together. My whole self will never look or feel like the Becky from last year but I am learning to be okay with it. There are so many positive and exciting things coming up!
I thought this would make me feel guilty that I am not always sad and miserable. But honestly I feel comfort in the knowledge that I have things to look forward to.
At the end of this journey, I have always prayed for one thing. That my family and I would remain functional, intact and full of hope and joy.
Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.
