Ray Michael Bevel

Hot tub time with cousins was the BEST!

-Originally posted on April 21st 2011

I haven't forgotten that 4 years ago today I lost my cousin Ray in Iraq.

I didn't open a great coffee shop to remember nor did I create a meaningful Moment of Silence. I don't have eloquent words and pictures like my brother Shane nor do I have an incredible video to remind others of his ultimate sacrifice.

I could list dozens of other ways his family and friends choose to remember and honor him. Each are perfect in their own way. This is how we honored and remembered today.

We flew our flag this week and when neighbors asked we told his story.

We wore our pins today and when those we came in contact with mentioned it we told them of our brave Ray Ray.

We visited Dallas-Fort Worth National Cemetery and left flowers on the graves of Glen Dale Hicks and Jacob Raul Lugo in loving memory of Ray and all of those who gave their lives.

We prayed for all of Ray's family and friends and their still daily struggle to grasp the loss of a dear young man.

And I shared with each of you who took the time to read this blog entry how much we loved Ray and how incredibly sad we were to say goodbye. Sometimes the numbers and news stories are overwhelming and hard to grasp. But this story was personal and I thank you for letting me share.

Godspeed cousin Ray.

National Sibling Day

I started this blog in July of 2012 as a way of communicating to my family and close friends.  Over the next 18 months it gave me a much needed outlet.  Writing helped me through a very difficult time but one day I realized there had been 11,986 page views in 18 months.  In the blogging world that is probably nothing but it left me open, vulnerable, embarrassed and scared.  And so I removed it from the cyber world and my life.  But then I read a book...

If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the “right” words. It’s just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone. And if you’re a really, really bad writer, then it might be most important for you to write because your writing might free other really, really bad writers to have a go at it anyway. (That's me y'all!  You're welcome ;)

If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.

Melton, Glennon Doyle (2013-04-02). Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed (p. 26). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

...and I realized that I was robbing myself and possibly others.  I pictured all those late nights 'googling' scary medical terms and devastating diagnoses.  I remembered all the blogs that helped me to breath and make it to the next day.  They were just normal men and women sharing their story and being vulnerable.

If my posts never help another that is a-okay because writing is a gift to me.  A gift from Him.  You don't have to dance, paint, write, sing or anything else well in the eyes of others for it to be a gift.  It can simply allow you to be your true self.  And now...that means I must stop asking the husband to quit singing.  Sorry babe ;)

It takes courage to share your life with others.  God made each of us unique and that means we will share in very different ways.  It is easy to feel alone in a sea of people.  To get so caught up in pain that we can't see joy.  But I think that if we are brave enough to open up in some way then He will provide a path to connect to others. I think that connection is what allows us to find the joy in the darkest of places.

Several years ago my brother sent me this song and I heard it again today.

Death is at your doorstep,

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this

No, you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand 

And you are the mother

The mother of your baby child

The one to whom you gave life

And you have your choices

And these are what make man great

His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

Timshel by Mumford and Sons

You are never alone friends.  He is always there and we should use whatever means we have to connect to others.  It takes a village y'all.  And sometimes it's a CrAzY village!

Thank you brothers for always holding my hand (or pulling my thumb and pinkie apart as hard as possible!) The world is a better place with siblings...or whatever village you call family!

One. Year.

 How do you remember such a short but meaningful life? So many questions and no right answers.  In 5 short days we will celebrate and lament our sweet Charlie's 1st "birthday." 

There will be hugs and chaos from my 3 weekday kiddos, along with love and kisses from our 2 precious, healthy, beautiful and God given children Andrew and McKinley. 

And then we will celebrate our loved baby Charlie. We know deep in our hearts that he is enjoying a glorious first birthday with our Savior. Far better than any birthday that I could plan, invite, craft and host.  But I won't lie.  It doesn't take away from the pain of a family celebrating a baby's first birthday without their baby.

I hope you will take a moment on Tuesday to have a slice of cake or a cookie.  Say a prayer. Release a balloon.  Run an extra mile. Light a candle.  Hug your loved ones just a bit tighter.  Maybe you will even feel like sharing your moment with us.

On Tues evening Jared, Andrew, McKinley and I will have a balloon release.  We plan on attaching a little note/prayer to Charlie on each balloon.  We would love for you to join us but just are not up for a crowd.  If you want to email, mail, phone, text, post, tweet or whatever we will attach your message to its own balloon.

There are no adequate words to express our sorrow or gratitude to each and everyone of you.

Much love,

The Hornbacks

Jared, Becky, Andrew, McKinley and Charlie

The Tiny Red Heart That Saves Lives

There is something that I have been putting off for almost a year now.  A new drivers license.  I could say that I was too busy or kept forgetting but truthfully I really DID NOT want to go.  My number one reason was I loved my picture (young, thin, great hair and my favorite sweater!) Second, I would have to retake the eye exam and I was afraid I would fail.  I spent 20+ years pre-lasik messing with glasses and contacts and I did not want to go back.  My final motivators to head to the DMV were not being able to cash a check or buy wine :)

So, off I went.  It was a pleasant and quick trip with two small children.  Seriously, in and out in 15 minutes (5 of that was getting them in the stroller).  I took a new picture, passed the eye test and answered "YES" to a simple question.  As the polite and kind lady behind the desk asked, "Would you like to be an organ donor?" I felt my throat tighten and my eyes start to well. 

You see after we buried Charlie a friend asked my mother if we had donated Charlie's organs.  I was so enraged!  What organs should we have given? The heart that had a huge hole in it? The kidneys that didn't function?  The lungs that didn't develop?  It just felt like a slap in the face (although I am certain it wasn't meant that way.) 

Over the past 6+ months we have followed the journey of Parson Herrington, a precious child of God, who is in need of a lung transplant.  The extended Herrington clan is a very special group to me, Jared and our children.  Hands down some of our very best friends. 

And now here is the honest and shameful truth.  I am jealous of Jenn, Parson's mom.  How AWFUL is that?  I wish that I would have been able to fight for Charlie longer and with even half of Jenn's gusto.  I wish I could have sat next to him in the NICU with my clinical strength antiperspirant and FOUGHT!  The ultimate and embarrassing example of the grass is always greener...

In a little over an hour, Parson should receive a transplant.  Jenn's words tonight were "My best day ever, is their worst day ever."  If I could have given Charlie's organs it would not have made it any easier to lose him.  I would not have said, "Oh, NOW I understand and accept that he died so another child could live."

But this I know.  Jenn's best day did not cause this family's worst day.  Yet, their worst day allowed for the Herrington's best day. 

Will you let your "worst" be another family's "best"??  Will you answer YES?  I did because Lord knows I won't need these organs where I am going!

God here I am on bended knee once again begging you to place Your hands on each and every person who is praying, pleading, crying and working to give Parson a new lease on life.  Be with the Herringtons and the town of Jasper and provide them Your peace.  The peace that passes all understanding.  And Jesus...please hold my Charlie tight until we are together again. 


DPS Signs up record number of organ donors

Parson's story

The Joy of Reading

 

In January of 2012, I made a commitment to read 24 books throughout the year.  12 fiction and 12 non-fiction.  A little bit of everything and all recommended by friends and family.  I started the year out on pace. Of course I started with a lot easy stuff like The Hunger Games Trilogy and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy.  But I also got through (and enjoyed!) Heaven is for Real, The Solomon Secrets and A Deeper Kind of Calm.  By July I was working on my 12th book, Love Walked In.  And that's when I got derailed.

 

I never quit trying but I just couldn't get through a book.  Rarely even a page.  Jared and I took the kids to the beach for a week and I still didn't make progress.  I started to get frustrated and even worried.  Why couldn't I read?  Even at the beach?!

 

It was my therapist that pointed out that under the circumstances it was a completely normal reaction.  What a relief!  And it does make sense.  Reading requires a lot of concentration and I simply didn't have any extra to devote to a pastime, even a beloved one.  But I still really needed something that would give me a mental break from all that we were facing and that's when she suggested finding a TV series.  So I did.  Watching episodes back to back doesn't require a lot of focus.  You don't have to think about what happened the week before or even season before since you just watched it.  I am ashamed at how many hours I logged on the IPad on some free TV website (that I am not sure is technically legal) in the evenings and middle of the night.  I watched 3 seasons of Downton Abbey, 5 seasons of Castle and several others.  But we were in survival mode and so I went with whatever worked.   

 

I think next time someone is struggling or in the hospital I will take them a TV series DVD instead of a magazine or a book :)

 

This past week we spent time in Hot Springs, Arkansas at Lake Hamilton.  The lake house belongs to my Uncle and Aunt and we are very grateful that they have allowed us to hang out there the past two spring breaks.  We love it!  It is an amazing place, full of incredible views and it allows our family to rest and reconnect. 

 

So I packed my books hoping to try again and guess what?  I FINALLY finished Love Walked In and read all of Zero Day.  I found three things inside the book it took me almost 8 months to read. First was a receipt for a pedicure I treated myself to at the end of my first trimester but before the dreaded call from the doctor.  Second was a picture Andrew drew sometime after school started (I know this because that is when he started calling me Mama. Oh Spanish immersion!! :) And finally the best sonogram picture we have of Charlie from November.

 

Not sure what all of this means but I am starting to feel like slowly the pieces of my life are being put back together.  My whole self will never look or feel like the Becky from last year but I am learning to be okay with it.  There are so many positive and exciting things coming up!

 

I thought this would make me feel guilty that I am not always sad and miserable. But honestly I feel comfort in the knowledge that I have things to look forward to. 

 

At the end of this journey, I have always prayed for one thing. That my family and I would remain functional, intact and full of hope and joy.

 

Psalm 126:5-6

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.  Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

Will you pray with me?

My lazy relaxing Sunday filled with laundry and crafts for the kids took a very sad turn this evening.  A glance at Facebook revealed an awful update from the wife of a fellow firefighter.  This kind and loving couple have had a difficult and heartbreaking time starting their family.  But, I finally believed they would have their much deserved happy ending with the birth of their first child at the end of June.  Until I read her words today...

It's with heavy, shattered hearts we have to announce that our baby boy was born and went to heaven yesterday. Landon Elijah was born at 1:30pm. He was 1lb, 3oz 10.5" long. He's in heaven now and resting peacefully. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

 

I won't pretend to know their pain or exactly how they feel.  But, I do know how it makes ME feel.  I feel angry and inexplicably sad.  I do NOT want to welcome another mother to this awful club that requires way to high a price for membership.  I wish I could bear her pain and spare her from this incredible heartbreak. 

 

Of course this sad news brings the grief of losing our sweet Charlie to the surface, but tonight my tears are for Landon's parents.  Will you say a prayer for this family with me?

 

My gracious and almighty God, I do not understand Your ways tonight.  But I will praise you through my anger and sadness.  I lift up this family to You.  I pray that they will find a way to be still and feel Your presence.  Be near to them in the coming days and wrap them in Your peace and love.  Amen

 

 

 

 

 



 

 





Monarch Butterflies

For Andrew's birthday my in-laws gave us a family pass to the Fort Worth Science and History museum.  So fun!  Last Saturday night we went for a quick tour and saw the IMAX film Butterflies.  Wow!

The migration patterns of the monarch butterfly are amazing.  Not just because it is a long and specific journey but because it takes a year and 4 generations to complete.  The first 3 generations live only 2-6 weeks but the last generation will live for up to 8 months!  The butterflies born just before autumn are super butterflies and will travel from Canada to Mexico and hibernate in the same trees as their great-grandparents!  After the winter, they will head to Texas and the cycle starts again.

I always thought I would be an early generation butterfly.  Enjoy a little milkweed, build a cocoon, turn into a beautiful butterfly, enjoy a short but nice trip from the Texas hill country to somewhere in Oklahoma, mate, lay several hundred eggs and then die.  I NEVER imagined I would be a 4th generation super monarch butterfly.

I wanted my life to fit in a perfect box.  Graduate from college, land a job, get married to an amazing hardworking man, have a small house in the suburbs, then a baby boy, next upgrade to a bigger house, have a sweet baby girl, leave my job of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and finally have a 3rd perfect child.  A blend-in with the crowd family who loved the Lord, volunteered at school and had Friday pizza and movie night.

But this last year my "plans" came to a SCREECHING halt.  My family is still amazing but it doesn't fit in a box.  I feel like "that" Mom.  The one who started a blog.  The one who lost her son.  The one others say has incredible strength, faith and courage. 

I wanted a simple journey through life but lately I don't feel like God had the same plan.  I have this strange feeling that I am destined for more.  To struggle to make a LONG journey from Canada to Mexico.  To learn to use all my reserve energy to fly higher and longer than the 3 generations before me.  To have a more difficult, less predictable but purposeful life.

I can't say that I know what my journey will look like but I hope and pray it won't fit in a box.  That He will use me in ways I can't imagine.  That we will become a loving family for those who don't know His love.  That I will be the hands and feet of Christ and teach my children to do the same.

I wanted the early generation life but I am adapting to the path of the 4th generation.  Please don't misunderstand.  I don't think I am "better" than the first three generations and I would gladly trade it all for the simple TX to OK path.  But, I pray He will teach me to use and appreciate the Canada to Mexico path.

Lord, help me to trust in Your ways.  To sift through the ashes and dance among the ruins. To see the signs of Spring and let beauty rise.  This is my hope and Your promise. Amen.



Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics