Sweet Charlie

When I told Andrew that Charlotte was a boy he screamed, "You lied to me!"  Without thinking I said, "They lied to me!"  But with time the shock has somewhat worn off for all of us and he keeps reminding me that the boys will outnumber the girls and that his name IS Charlie.  I'm not up for "lying" to him again so...Charles it is!

So it is official, his name is Charles "free man" Amos "to carry; borne by God"  I love the name Amos.  It seems to embody the choice we made to carry him regardless of the prognosis and a reminder that he is truly borne by God.  There are a lot of details in this story but our main theme has to be trusting and believing in God.

The other day Jared said I was Facebook picture happy. Ha!  He is right and when I really thought about it I realized it is because I want to show that we are still living, still breathing and having some fun along the way.  Thanksgiving break is a great example.  It was a wonderful yet exhausting time.  We got to see almost all of our extended family and there were plenty of fun activities along the way.  Two yummy Thanksgiving dinners, watching Baylor beat Tech at Cowboys stadium, going to the Gaylord for ICE and the snow tubes and most importantly lots of family time.  Someday, regardless of the final outcome of our journey, when I reread these posts I want to remember that we had a lot of fun with Charlie in between the tears and pain.

As far as details, Charlie is doing about the same.  The fluid levels are low but stabilized.  He weighed 2lbs 10oz at 32 weeks.  They only measure every 3 weeks even though I have a weekly sonogram.  Monday was 33 weeks and there was still completely normal blood flow through the umbilical cord and everything looked about the same.  At 35 weeks they will measure again and then the team of doctors will discuss the best options.  We want to wait at least 3 more weeks and hopefully 6.  But if he isn't growing well at 35 weeks they might choose to deliver.  It's all a balancing act and waiting game.

Dr. Bleich did mention that Braxton Hicks contractions are completely normal but in situation with low fluid they often put pressure on the umbilical cord limiting the blood flow and slowing the baby's heart rate.  I took this as a sign to slow myself down :)  I cut back or eliminated all the activities I could and I am just trying to remind myself that our main priority is giving Charlie the best possible chance at a miracle.  Plus I seem to be making a lot of mistakes lately like sleeping through kindergarten pickup, thinking preschool started at 9:30 instead of 9 and missing my dentist appointment...twice!  I am trying to take my dear friend Jennifer's advice and give myself some grace but I am not usually this absent minded and it feels a little scary.  Wonder if this is what it is like when you get older?  Do you even realize it?  I'm hoping I won't care as much by then and just ditch the details and enjoy life!!

If I never knew you

If I never felt this love

I would have no inkling of 

How precious life can be

If I never held you

I would never have a clue

How at last I'd find in you

The missing part of me

Yep you guessed it!  The kiddos have been watching Pocahantas in the car for the last few MONTHS! But I do love this song.

Charlotte is a Boy!

 

 

 

 

There really are no words.  I can only say that this latest development has rocked me to the core.  It took all I had to focus on a baby girl and enjoy time with her knowing I am not likely to ever bring her home or see her grow up.  To find the perfect name, to make the perfect blanket, to pick out the perfect dress...only to find out that "she" is a "he." 

 

It wasn't a mistake or that he was hiding, it was simply because it wasn't important to the doctors surrounding me.  They see a fetus and not a daughter or a son.  Do I blame them?  Yes!  Do I somewhat understand? I guess.  It was clear on multiple genetic tests dating back to Aug 1.  Yep almost 4 months ago!!  Note to self: request a copy of all test results/paperwork going forward.

 

How do I trust that their diagnosis on his heart, lungs, kidneys and spine are correct when they can't even see that "she" is a "he".

 

The answer is I don't.  I put my trust in my Lord.  Is that easy for me right now? NO!  I am so upset that I feel like I can't see which way is up.  So there it is.  The honest and raw truth. 

 

 

I called my therapist today, the one I am able to see only because of the kindness and generosity of an amazing and dear woman.  She said all I can do today is pray.  Really lady?  That's the best that you can come up with?! Then she read me the entry of "Jesus Calling" for today.  As she read, there was a very strange peace that washed over me as I sat in the Sonic parking lot.  For those of you that REALLY know me, I am often a cynic. The typical things people say like "God has a plan or His ways are best or He only gives special babies to special people."  Do nothing for me.  Except really tick me off.  Don't get me wrong they are true...just annoying at times ;) But as I sat and let everything bubble to the top and let God take it, I felt better.  In less than 30 minutes, all the bitterness, anger and sadness were back and I sat again with Him and let it bubble and then it was gone.  I guess that's how I will make it through.  It won't be pretty but I won't let this complicated and overwhelmingly crappy situation make me a bitter person.  I refuse to let it take over and destroy my precious marriage and family. 

 

I DO NOT have the strength for this and I wish I could just be checked into the looney bin!! :)  But, since I doubt that is an option I will just let Him be my strength.  Please know this doesn't come naturally to me but there is no other way.

 

Dear Lord, please pull me from the ocean where I am drowning and put my feet back on solid ground as soon as possible.  And in the meantime, be my lifeboat as I am forced to ride these monstrous waves.  Let me always remember to put MY oxygen mask on first so that I will then be able to support all 3 of my children, my husband, family and friends.  God remind me to give thanks for all the amazing blessings in my life.  I know you are beside me and I thank you and love you for it.  Amen.