Charlotte is a Boy!

 

 

 

 

There really are no words.  I can only say that this latest development has rocked me to the core.  It took all I had to focus on a baby girl and enjoy time with her knowing I am not likely to ever bring her home or see her grow up.  To find the perfect name, to make the perfect blanket, to pick out the perfect dress...only to find out that "she" is a "he." 

 

It wasn't a mistake or that he was hiding, it was simply because it wasn't important to the doctors surrounding me.  They see a fetus and not a daughter or a son.  Do I blame them?  Yes!  Do I somewhat understand? I guess.  It was clear on multiple genetic tests dating back to Aug 1.  Yep almost 4 months ago!!  Note to self: request a copy of all test results/paperwork going forward.

 

How do I trust that their diagnosis on his heart, lungs, kidneys and spine are correct when they can't even see that "she" is a "he".

 

The answer is I don't.  I put my trust in my Lord.  Is that easy for me right now? NO!  I am so upset that I feel like I can't see which way is up.  So there it is.  The honest and raw truth. 

 

 

I called my therapist today, the one I am able to see only because of the kindness and generosity of an amazing and dear woman.  She said all I can do today is pray.  Really lady?  That's the best that you can come up with?! Then she read me the entry of "Jesus Calling" for today.  As she read, there was a very strange peace that washed over me as I sat in the Sonic parking lot.  For those of you that REALLY know me, I am often a cynic. The typical things people say like "God has a plan or His ways are best or He only gives special babies to special people."  Do nothing for me.  Except really tick me off.  Don't get me wrong they are true...just annoying at times ;) But as I sat and let everything bubble to the top and let God take it, I felt better.  In less than 30 minutes, all the bitterness, anger and sadness were back and I sat again with Him and let it bubble and then it was gone.  I guess that's how I will make it through.  It won't be pretty but I won't let this complicated and overwhelmingly crappy situation make me a bitter person.  I refuse to let it take over and destroy my precious marriage and family. 

 

I DO NOT have the strength for this and I wish I could just be checked into the looney bin!! :)  But, since I doubt that is an option I will just let Him be my strength.  Please know this doesn't come naturally to me but there is no other way.

 

Dear Lord, please pull me from the ocean where I am drowning and put my feet back on solid ground as soon as possible.  And in the meantime, be my lifeboat as I am forced to ride these monstrous waves.  Let me always remember to put MY oxygen mask on first so that I will then be able to support all 3 of my children, my husband, family and friends.  God remind me to give thanks for all the amazing blessings in my life.  I know you are beside me and I thank you and love you for it.  Amen.