Grief and Joy

I recently read Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You.  I doubt it was a coincidence that Angie spoke at the Women of Faith conference that so many women I know attended this year. Nor do I believe I accidentally stumbled upon the email at 2 am from a cousin of a neighbor who recently lost a child, that led me to read the book.  I think it was God's perfect timing.  The book was recommended by more people than I can remember but I don't believe I was "ready" to read it until that night.  If I was a writer I probably could have written 90% of the book because it expresses much of what I think and feel.  But the other 10% has changed my mindset over the last few weeks. The book has a chapter for Dads and one for friends trying to support a Mom who may lose a child or has lost one and information on helping children grieve.  While it was an extremely difficult read, the book was truly a blessing for me. One of the things Angie speaks about is how grief and joy truly go hand in hand in this situation. 

Last weekend with the help and generosity of loving family Jared and I found the best place for Charlotte to be laid to rest should she pass.  A beautiful spot next to Jared's mother, Charlotte's grandmother, in Paradise, Tx.  We visited the funeral home and I will be forever grateful for the man who helped us though the details.  As we were leaving he said, "I pray that I will be able to shred this folder in January."  I simply thought that is my prayer too new friend. My prayer too.  Next week we will finish up by talking to the minister at our church about the upcoming months.

On Friday, Jared and I saw Dr. Bleich to see how much Charlotte had grown in the last 3 weeks.  She is still tiny but so strong!  She weighs just 1lb 11oz and still measures several weeks behind.  But Dr Bleich was amazed to see the best picture of her kidney yet.  It is still echogenic and small but she saw it AND there was urine in her bladder!!!  She has even more amniotic fluid this time.  It measured 6 and normal is 5-20.  So technically she has normal fluid levels.  Ha!  You show 'em Charlotte :)  Who knew urine could cause so much joy?! 

After that appointment, we went over to Cook's for a followup echo cardiogram.  Her heart condition is still the same.  The most pressing issue with her heart when she is born is that the veins leaving her lungs do not connect back to the heart in the right place.  She thinks they connect to the vena cava but she isn't 100% positive.  In order to treat her heart and spine issues, Charlotte has to come out with strong healthy lungs.  The problem is that her lungs aren't likely to develop because of the low fluid levels and from a vascular standpoint they don't function correctly either.  So a miracle is needed. 

Dr. Roten is truly amazing.  She is the first one to give me some peace over what to expect when Charlotte is born.  I have read a lot of blogs and books in which the women seem to never have to make choices on how far to intervene in order to care for their child.  I don't know if that is because they have confirmed genetic disorders or if the women just don't write about it.  It seems like their babies are simply handed to them and they love them and hold them until they pass.  For us, at every turn we are asked what we want to do and I am here to tell you that as a mother making these decisions are virtually impossible.  So, I try to remember to pray and let God guide us.

Today after writing this post I decided I am done apologizing and downplaying the hope I have for Charlotte.  Praying and believing in a miracle that will save her life is my job as her Mom. If she is going to keep on fighting then so will I.  Guarding myself from speaking about her or spending time with her or hoping for her life to be spared will never minimize the pain of losing her.  However, it is something I can imagine I will severely regret.  She is already our daughter, sister, granddaughter and great-granddaughter and oh how we love her! 

If you are a specific prayer like I am, here is a list of what Charlotte needs in order to have a fighting chance at survival. She needs her kidney to keep functioning and her fluid levels to increase. She needs her lungs to grow and be strong. The veins leading away from her lungs and connecting incorrectly are currently only handling 15% of the blood flow that they will need to handle the moment she takes her first breath. These veins have to stay strong and unblocked both in utero and after she is born. 

Someone recently reminded me that my God is also Charlotte's God.  He will protect her and help us to make the right decisions.  She is His child just as I am His.

We finished Friday off with a great parent teacher conference for Andrew and big news for Jared. After scoring #1 on the Captain's test in February he has patiently awaited the announcement of a captain's retirement, which came on Friday. So in the next few weeks I will officially be a Captain's wife :) I don't have the words to express how proud of him I am and how much I love and appreciate how well he does everything from caring for his family to being a firefighter...and everything in between. Congrats babe!! Oh and Happy Anniversary. It's been a fun 9 years!

Just as this post bounces from grief to joy, so do the days of our lives.  So much to be happy and thankful for and so much to grieve and mourn.  Feels a little like life on steroids :)