Christmas Eve

I can remember in years past sitting in church on Christmas eve and the pastor briefly speaking to those who were hurting. I said a prayer for "those people" but I didn't have a clue how they felt.

Last week when family and friends around me were crying and hurting, I felt strong. I had the most time with our Charlie. I knew that despite how precious and perfect he was on the outside that on the inside not a single one of his organs worked properly.  I knew the moment he left this earth his body was completely healed and he was in the arms of my God. His God.

So I pulled it together and with Jared's help planned the perfect service and "celebration." I picked up the kids from school and went to the kindergarten Christmas party to show Andrew that Mommy was okay.  I made sure they wore the perfect Christmas clothes for each event.  I wrapped the presents and did the last minute shopping. We bought a cute and cuddly puppy and a fish for each kid. We went on a much needed date and talked about vacation plans. I sifted through sympathy, Christmas and flower cards.  I made spreadsheets of addresses, started the thank you notes and addressed birth/death announcements.

But today as I sit in the grocery store parking lot watching everyone enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I feel lost. I feel sad and alone. The flowers have wilted and some of the family has gone. My physical wounds are healing and his death certificate came in the mail. The hospital bills are arriving and the table of "Charlie memories" has been replaced with Christmas decorations.

I thought I could cheerfully enjoy the holidays. I mean I have 2 adorable and precious kids opening presents, singing Christmas carols and playing charades. Who wouldn't feel cheerful? But I'm just not. Sure I laugh and smile but inside I feel so broken. Why can't I have that sweet boy in my arms? Why didn't God heal his body? Why couldn't he let me keep him? I just miss him more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess just as my physical wounds will leave a scar so will the emotional ones. I just wonder what kind of scar I will be left with. One I rarely notice? One that is hidden from others? Or will it be a greater scar? My uncle who suffered an incredible loss said to, "Find our new normal." Will we? And when?

Today I will pray for those hurting with a new understanding. I will join them in trying to feel the joys of the holiday seasons.  But it is likely there will be more sorrow than joy this year.  I will try and remember the most important part of the season and praise God for his Son.

Because it is true. "A baby changes everything..."

A Celebration

There will be a private family graveside service for Charlie on Saturday. Following the service we welcome you to join us in a come and go celebration from 3-5 at our home, 3713 Hillsdale Drive, in Flower Mound.

Andrew is in full party planning mode for his brother. He has talked about the party for a long time and is focusing on a flower theme :) He reminded me last night a party isn't complete without friends so bring your little ones and help us all celebrate our sweet angel.

Many have asked about flowers for the service or a charity to donate in his name. The funeral home is Coker-Hawkins in Decatur. As far as donations, we used an incredible organization, Now I lay me down to sleep, for pictures after Charlie was born. I also was recently reminded that Charlie received more love in his short hour of life than many children receive in their entire lifetime. So, giving to your local food bank or favorite missions that provide assistance to children would mean a great deal to us.

And finally, many have requested to bring meals and so my dear friend set up a calendar. Below is the link.

http://supportplanner.caringbridge.org/planners/beckyhornbackmealplansignup


Thank you all for your support, prayers and encouragement. We are completely surrounded in love.

Broken Hearts

Charles Amos was born at 2:08pm weighing 4lbs 4oz. He went to be with our Lord at 3:08 after being loved on and held by amazing family and friends.  Our arms are empty and our hearts are broken but there is a peace we know comes from Him.

Letter From Daddy

Charlie,

I can't wait to hold you. You have taught me so much. To keep fighting when I feel I have no fight left. You are truly a gift from God and I look forward to having a long conversation with you someday no matter the outcome. I love you son, go in peace, you have earned it!

Love,
Daddy

A Letter

My dearest Charlie,

What a journey we have traveled together. Today is your big day! Happy Birthday, my love. You have taught me so much including how to be strong.  When I wanted to give up you kept on fighting.  If I worried you gave me a kick, punch or hiccup to reassure me. You proved so many doctors wrong and reminded us all how much we are not in control! It often felt like we were alone on this path but we were surrounded with so many who love us both. And He was always with us.

Wherever today leads, I have no regrets my sweet boy. You have changed my life forever. I pray you keep on fighting and continue to be the miracle I have begged and prayed for.  But, if you are tired Mommy will understand and your Father will hold you tight and love you until we are together again.

Rest up baby. We have a very big day ahead of us. I look forward to holding you in just a few short hours.

Love,
Mommy

Guess it is almost time to meet our sweet boy

Well not exactly what I had planned for this weekend but here we are.  My water broke this afternoon and we are now getting settled in at Harris Methodist in Fort Worth. There was some talk about delivering tonight but after being monitored for a few hours Charlie seems stable and I am not having any contractions. There is no sign of infection and they have started IV antibiotics. I will get a couple round of steroids (at my request) to give Charlie's lungs any extra help we can. Then on Monday all "my" doctors will be back and we will deliver. Of course at any sign of infection, contractions or distress we will have to go ahead and deliver.

Please don't worry or stress! Just let me do that ;) I am simply sharing because we have been blessed by so many of you over the last few months and I want to keep you informed AND ask for your prayers. I truly believe we made it this far because of those prayers.

Dear Lord I pray it is Your will that Charlie survive but whatever happens I know You will be with us. Please provide us Your peace. The one that passes all understanding. Surround our doctors and nurses with your wisdom and let them be kind.  Be with Andrew and Mckinley, keep them safe and worry-free. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.