Christmas Eve

I can remember in years past sitting in church on Christmas eve and the pastor briefly speaking to those who were hurting. I said a prayer for "those people" but I didn't have a clue how they felt.

Last week when family and friends around me were crying and hurting, I felt strong. I had the most time with our Charlie. I knew that despite how precious and perfect he was on the outside that on the inside not a single one of his organs worked properly.  I knew the moment he left this earth his body was completely healed and he was in the arms of my God. His God.

So I pulled it together and with Jared's help planned the perfect service and "celebration." I picked up the kids from school and went to the kindergarten Christmas party to show Andrew that Mommy was okay.  I made sure they wore the perfect Christmas clothes for each event.  I wrapped the presents and did the last minute shopping. We bought a cute and cuddly puppy and a fish for each kid. We went on a much needed date and talked about vacation plans. I sifted through sympathy, Christmas and flower cards.  I made spreadsheets of addresses, started the thank you notes and addressed birth/death announcements.

But today as I sit in the grocery store parking lot watching everyone enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I feel lost. I feel sad and alone. The flowers have wilted and some of the family has gone. My physical wounds are healing and his death certificate came in the mail. The hospital bills are arriving and the table of "Charlie memories" has been replaced with Christmas decorations.

I thought I could cheerfully enjoy the holidays. I mean I have 2 adorable and precious kids opening presents, singing Christmas carols and playing charades. Who wouldn't feel cheerful? But I'm just not. Sure I laugh and smile but inside I feel so broken. Why can't I have that sweet boy in my arms? Why didn't God heal his body? Why couldn't he let me keep him? I just miss him more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess just as my physical wounds will leave a scar so will the emotional ones. I just wonder what kind of scar I will be left with. One I rarely notice? One that is hidden from others? Or will it be a greater scar? My uncle who suffered an incredible loss said to, "Find our new normal." Will we? And when?

Today I will pray for those hurting with a new understanding. I will join them in trying to feel the joys of the holiday seasons.  But it is likely there will be more sorrow than joy this year.  I will try and remember the most important part of the season and praise God for his Son.

Because it is true. "A baby changes everything..."