For Andrew's birthday my in-laws gave us a family pass to the Fort Worth Science and History museum. So fun! Last Saturday night we went for a quick tour and saw the IMAX film Butterflies. Wow!
The migration patterns of the monarch butterfly are amazing. Not just because it is a long and specific journey but because it takes a year and 4 generations to complete. The first 3 generations live only 2-6 weeks but the last generation will live for up to 8 months! The butterflies born just before autumn are super butterflies and will travel from Canada to Mexico and hibernate in the same trees as their great-grandparents! After the winter, they will head to Texas and the cycle starts again.
I always thought I would be an early generation butterfly. Enjoy a little milkweed, build a cocoon, turn into a beautiful butterfly, enjoy a short but nice trip from the Texas hill country to somewhere in Oklahoma, mate, lay several hundred eggs and then die. I NEVER imagined I would be a 4th generation super monarch butterfly.
I wanted my life to fit in a perfect box. Graduate from college, land a job, get married to an amazing hardworking man, have a small house in the suburbs, then a baby boy, next upgrade to a bigger house, have a sweet baby girl, leave my job of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and finally have a 3rd perfect child. A blend-in with the crowd family who loved the Lord, volunteered at school and had Friday pizza and movie night.
But this last year my "plans" came to a SCREECHING halt. My family is still amazing but it doesn't fit in a box. I feel like "that" Mom. The one who started a blog. The one who lost her son. The one others say has incredible strength, faith and courage.
I wanted a simple journey through life but lately I don't feel like God had the same plan. I have this strange feeling that I am destined for more. To struggle to make a LONG journey from Canada to Mexico. To learn to use all my reserve energy to fly higher and longer than the 3 generations before me. To have a more difficult, less predictable but purposeful life.
I can't say that I know what my journey will look like but I hope and pray it won't fit in a box. That He will use me in ways I can't imagine. That we will become a loving family for those who don't know His love. That I will be the hands and feet of Christ and teach my children to do the same.
I wanted the early generation life but I am adapting to the path of the 4th generation. Please don't misunderstand. I don't think I am "better" than the first three generations and I would gladly trade it all for the simple TX to OK path. But, I pray He will teach me to use and appreciate the Canada to Mexico path.
Lord, help me to trust in Your ways. To sift through the ashes and dance among the ruins. To see the signs of Spring and let beauty rise. This is my hope and Your promise. Amen.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
It's been a while
It has been a while since I have written. Not because our journey is over or because things are going so well. But because I just haven't had the courage. The haze has lifted and the pain killers are gone. I am afraid to write. To share. I am scared of what others might think.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
John 16:33
"I have said these things to you, that in me
you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I
have overcome the world.”
STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN - SEE
Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
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