9/11

Yesterday's much anticipated appointment came and went.  I can't say that I learned a lot of useful information or that I loved the doctor.  She is back to being concerned about her kidneys because there is very little amniotic fluid.  Her plan is to take a look again in 2 weeks before we move forward with visiting any other specialists.  Charlotte measures small which is typical of a baby with so many anomalies.  The definition of anomaly is a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form.  I decided I like this word better than defect ;)  But she was in there kicking away with her sweet face all squished up.  I just pray Charlotte doesn't feel any pain as she struggles.

I doubt any doctor's office could do exactly the right thing to keep a patient in my situation from getting upset.  However, bringing up the subject of terminating the pregnancy for the thousandth time, and trying to give me samples of formula and a new mom present after telling me how concerned they are didn't help my mental state.

As the feelings of frustration and anger from yesterday's appointment give way to sadness and confusion, I am reminded of how I felt 11 years ago.  Now please don't misunderstand me as I am in no way comparing this journey to the tragedy of 9/11 just simply stating I have some of the same feelings.  I remember feeling confused and scared.  Family and friends that typically gave me strength were struggling as much as I was.  Ironically it was Peter Jennings who reached out from the television telling me that as awful as the day was our country would be okay.  A blessing maybe? I wish he was here today to tell me I would be ok :)

As Charlotte's mom there is no reason for me that will ever be good enough for her to be so sick.  I know God does have a reason but because we don't think the same I will never understand.  Maybe our journey will help another family in the future or maybe it is preparation for my family's life work.  But I would trade it all in a heartbeat if I could make my sweet baby girl healthy.

Today I will mourn for all that our country lost 11 years ago.  I will remember that I am not the only one in the world struggling.  I will pray for all those who lost loved ones that day and after.  I will pray for all our military and first responders.  Especially the sailors and firefighters who are near and dear to my heart :)  I will feel a little sorry for myself and my family but not so much that I lose sight of others.  I will be a little angry at God but not enough to cause my faith to waiver.

Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0