How do you remember such a short but meaningful life? So many questions and no right answers. In 5 short days we will celebrate and lament our sweet Charlie's 1st "birthday."
There will be hugs and chaos from my 3 weekday kiddos, along with love and kisses from our 2 precious, healthy, beautiful and God given children Andrew and McKinley.
And then we will celebrate our loved baby Charlie. We know deep in our hearts that he is enjoying a glorious first birthday with our Savior. Far better than any birthday that I could plan, invite, craft and host. But I won't lie. It doesn't take away from the pain of a family celebrating a baby's first birthday without their baby.
I hope you will take a moment on Tuesday to have a slice of cake or a cookie. Say a prayer. Release a balloon. Run an extra mile. Light a candle. Hug your loved ones just a bit tighter. Maybe you will even feel like sharing your moment with us.
On Tues evening Jared, Andrew, McKinley and I will have a balloon release. We plan on attaching a little note/prayer to Charlie on each balloon. We would love for you to join us but just are not up for a crowd. If you want to email, mail, phone, text, post, tweet or whatever we will attach your message to its own balloon.
There are no adequate words to express our sorrow or gratitude to each and everyone of you.
Much love,
The Hornbacks
Jared, Becky, Andrew, McKinley and Charlie
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Tiny Red Heart That Saves Lives
There is something that I have been putting off for almost a year now. A new drivers license. I could say that I was too busy or kept forgetting but truthfully I really DID NOT want to go. My number one reason was I loved my picture (young, thin, great hair and my favorite sweater!) Second, I would have to retake the eye exam and I was afraid I would fail. I spent 20+ years pre-lasik messing with glasses and contacts and I did not want to go back. My final motivators to head to the DMV were not being able to cash a check or buy wine :)
So, off I went. It was a pleasant and quick trip with two small children. Seriously, in and out in 15 minutes (5 of that was getting them in the stroller). I took a new picture, passed the eye test and answered "YES" to a simple question. As the polite and kind lady behind the desk asked, "Would you like to be an organ donor?" I felt my throat tighten and my eyes start to well.
You see after we buried Charlie a friend asked my mother if we had donated Charlie's organs. I was so enraged! What organs should we have given? The heart that had a huge hole in it? The kidneys that didn't function? The lungs that didn't develop? It just felt like a slap in the face (although I am certain it wasn't meant that way.)
Over the past 6+ months we have followed the journey of Parson Herrington, a precious child of God, who is in need of a lung transplant. The extended Herrington clan is a very special group to me, Jared and our children. Hands down some of our very best friends.
And now here is the honest and shameful truth. I am jealous of Jenn, Parson's mom. How AWFUL is that? I wish that I would have been able to fight for Charlie longer and with even half of Jenn's gusto. I wish I could have sat next to him in the NICU with my clinical strength antiperspirant and FOUGHT! The ultimate and embarrassing example of the grass is always greener...
In a little over an hour, Parson should receive a transplant. Jenn's words tonight were "My best day ever, is their worst day ever." If I could have given Charlie's organs it would not have made it any easier to lose him. I would not have said, "Oh, NOW I understand and accept that he died so another child could live."
But this I know. Jenn's best day did not cause this family's worst day. Yet, their worst day allowed for the Herrington's best day.
Will you let your "worst" be another family's "best"?? Will you answer YES? I did because Lord knows I won't need these organs where I am going!
God here I am on bended knee once again begging you to place Your hands on each and every person who is praying, pleading, crying and working to give Parson a new lease on life. Be with the Herringtons and the town of Jasper and provide them Your peace. The peace that passes all understanding. And Jesus...please hold my Charlie tight until we are together again.
DPS Signs up record number of organ donors
Parson's story
So, off I went. It was a pleasant and quick trip with two small children. Seriously, in and out in 15 minutes (5 of that was getting them in the stroller). I took a new picture, passed the eye test and answered "YES" to a simple question. As the polite and kind lady behind the desk asked, "Would you like to be an organ donor?" I felt my throat tighten and my eyes start to well.
You see after we buried Charlie a friend asked my mother if we had donated Charlie's organs. I was so enraged! What organs should we have given? The heart that had a huge hole in it? The kidneys that didn't function? The lungs that didn't develop? It just felt like a slap in the face (although I am certain it wasn't meant that way.)
Over the past 6+ months we have followed the journey of Parson Herrington, a precious child of God, who is in need of a lung transplant. The extended Herrington clan is a very special group to me, Jared and our children. Hands down some of our very best friends.
And now here is the honest and shameful truth. I am jealous of Jenn, Parson's mom. How AWFUL is that? I wish that I would have been able to fight for Charlie longer and with even half of Jenn's gusto. I wish I could have sat next to him in the NICU with my clinical strength antiperspirant and FOUGHT! The ultimate and embarrassing example of the grass is always greener...
In a little over an hour, Parson should receive a transplant. Jenn's words tonight were "My best day ever, is their worst day ever." If I could have given Charlie's organs it would not have made it any easier to lose him. I would not have said, "Oh, NOW I understand and accept that he died so another child could live."
But this I know. Jenn's best day did not cause this family's worst day. Yet, their worst day allowed for the Herrington's best day.
Will you let your "worst" be another family's "best"?? Will you answer YES? I did because Lord knows I won't need these organs where I am going!
God here I am on bended knee once again begging you to place Your hands on each and every person who is praying, pleading, crying and working to give Parson a new lease on life. Be with the Herringtons and the town of Jasper and provide them Your peace. The peace that passes all understanding. And Jesus...please hold my Charlie tight until we are together again.
DPS Signs up record number of organ donors
Parson's story
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Joy of Reading
In January of 2012, I made a commitment to read 24 books throughout the year. 12 fiction and 12 non-fiction. A little bit of everything and all recommended by friends and family. I started the year out on pace. Of course I started with a lot easy stuff like The Hunger Games Trilogy and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy. But I also got through (and enjoyed!) Heaven is for Real, The Solomon Secrets and A Deeper Kind of Calm. By July I was working on my 12th book, Love Walked In. And that's when I got derailed.
I never quit trying but I just couldn't get through a book. Rarely even a page. Jared and I took the kids to the beach for a week and I still didn't make progress. I started to get frustrated and even worried. Why couldn't I read? Even at the beach?!
It was my therapist that pointed out that under the circumstances it was a completely normal reaction. What a relief! And it does make sense. Reading requires a lot of concentration and I simply didn't have any extra to devote to a pastime, even a beloved one. But I still really needed something that would give me a mental break from all that we were facing and that's when she suggested finding a TV series. So I did. Watching episodes back to back doesn't require a lot of focus. You don't have to think about what happened the week before or even season before since you just watched it. I am ashamed at how many hours I logged on the IPad on some free TV website (that I am not sure is technically legal) in the evenings and middle of the night. I watched 3 seasons of Downton Abbey, 5 seasons of Castle and several others. But we were in survival mode and so I went with whatever worked.
I think next time someone is struggling or in the hospital I will take them a TV series DVD instead of a magazine or a book :)
This past week we spent time in Hot Springs, Arkansas at Lake Hamilton. The lake house belongs to my Uncle and Aunt and we are very grateful that they have allowed us to hang out there the past two spring breaks. We love it! It is an amazing place, full of incredible views and it allows our family to rest and reconnect.
So I packed my books hoping to try again and guess what? I FINALLY finished Love Walked In and read all of Zero Day. I found three things inside the book it took me almost 8 months to read. First was a receipt for a pedicure I treated myself to at the end of my first trimester but before the dreaded call from the doctor. Second was a picture Andrew drew sometime after school started (I know this because that is when he started calling me Mama. Oh Spanish immersion!! :) And finally the best sonogram picture we have of Charlie from November.
Not sure what all of this means but I am starting to feel like slowly the pieces of my life are being put back together. My whole self will never look or feel like the Becky from last year but I am learning to be okay with it. There are so many positive and exciting things coming up!
I thought this would make me feel guilty that I am not always sad and miserable. But honestly I feel comfort in the knowledge that I have things to look forward to.
At the end of this journey, I have always prayed for one thing. That my family and I would remain functional, intact and full of hope and joy.
Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Will you pray with me?
My lazy relaxing Sunday filled with laundry and crafts for the kids took a very sad turn this evening. A glance at Facebook revealed an awful update from the wife of a fellow firefighter. This kind and loving couple have had a difficult and heartbreaking time starting their family. But, I finally believed they would have their much deserved happy ending with the birth of their first child at the end of June. Until I read her words today...
It's with heavy, shattered hearts we have to announce that our baby boy was born and went to heaven yesterday. Landon Elijah was born at 1:30pm. He was 1lb, 3oz 10.5" long. He's in heaven now and resting peacefully. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
I won't pretend to know their pain or exactly how they feel. But, I do know how it makes ME feel. I feel angry and inexplicably sad. I do NOT want to welcome another mother to this awful club that requires way to high a price for membership. I wish I could bear her pain and spare her from this incredible heartbreak.
Of course this sad news brings the grief of losing our sweet Charlie to the surface, but tonight my tears are for Landon's parents. Will you say a prayer for this family with me?
My gracious and almighty God, I do not understand Your ways tonight. But I will praise you through my anger and sadness. I lift up this family to You. I pray that they will find a way to be still and feel Your presence. Be near to them in the coming days and wrap them in Your peace and love. Amen
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monarch Butterflies
For Andrew's birthday my in-laws gave us a family pass to the Fort Worth Science and History museum. So fun! Last Saturday night we went for a quick tour and saw the IMAX film Butterflies. Wow!
The migration patterns of the monarch butterfly are amazing. Not just because it is a long and specific journey but because it takes a year and 4 generations to complete. The first 3 generations live only 2-6 weeks but the last generation will live for up to 8 months! The butterflies born just before autumn are super butterflies and will travel from Canada to Mexico and hibernate in the same trees as their great-grandparents! After the winter, they will head to Texas and the cycle starts again.
I always thought I would be an early generation butterfly. Enjoy a little milkweed, build a cocoon, turn into a beautiful butterfly, enjoy a short but nice trip from the Texas hill country to somewhere in Oklahoma, mate, lay several hundred eggs and then die. I NEVER imagined I would be a 4th generation super monarch butterfly.
I wanted my life to fit in a perfect box. Graduate from college, land a job, get married to an amazing hardworking man, have a small house in the suburbs, then a baby boy, next upgrade to a bigger house, have a sweet baby girl, leave my job of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and finally have a 3rd perfect child. A blend-in with the crowd family who loved the Lord, volunteered at school and had Friday pizza and movie night.
But this last year my "plans" came to a SCREECHING halt. My family is still amazing but it doesn't fit in a box. I feel like "that" Mom. The one who started a blog. The one who lost her son. The one others say has incredible strength, faith and courage.
I wanted a simple journey through life but lately I don't feel like God had the same plan. I have this strange feeling that I am destined for more. To struggle to make a LONG journey from Canada to Mexico. To learn to use all my reserve energy to fly higher and longer than the 3 generations before me. To have a more difficult, less predictable but purposeful life.
I can't say that I know what my journey will look like but I hope and pray it won't fit in a box. That He will use me in ways I can't imagine. That we will become a loving family for those who don't know His love. That I will be the hands and feet of Christ and teach my children to do the same.
I wanted the early generation life but I am adapting to the path of the 4th generation. Please don't misunderstand. I don't think I am "better" than the first three generations and I would gladly trade it all for the simple TX to OK path. But, I pray He will teach me to use and appreciate the Canada to Mexico path.
Lord, help me to trust in Your ways. To sift through the ashes and dance among the ruins. To see the signs of Spring and let beauty rise. This is my hope and Your promise. Amen.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics
The migration patterns of the monarch butterfly are amazing. Not just because it is a long and specific journey but because it takes a year and 4 generations to complete. The first 3 generations live only 2-6 weeks but the last generation will live for up to 8 months! The butterflies born just before autumn are super butterflies and will travel from Canada to Mexico and hibernate in the same trees as their great-grandparents! After the winter, they will head to Texas and the cycle starts again.
I always thought I would be an early generation butterfly. Enjoy a little milkweed, build a cocoon, turn into a beautiful butterfly, enjoy a short but nice trip from the Texas hill country to somewhere in Oklahoma, mate, lay several hundred eggs and then die. I NEVER imagined I would be a 4th generation super monarch butterfly.
I wanted my life to fit in a perfect box. Graduate from college, land a job, get married to an amazing hardworking man, have a small house in the suburbs, then a baby boy, next upgrade to a bigger house, have a sweet baby girl, leave my job of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and finally have a 3rd perfect child. A blend-in with the crowd family who loved the Lord, volunteered at school and had Friday pizza and movie night.
But this last year my "plans" came to a SCREECHING halt. My family is still amazing but it doesn't fit in a box. I feel like "that" Mom. The one who started a blog. The one who lost her son. The one others say has incredible strength, faith and courage.
I wanted a simple journey through life but lately I don't feel like God had the same plan. I have this strange feeling that I am destined for more. To struggle to make a LONG journey from Canada to Mexico. To learn to use all my reserve energy to fly higher and longer than the 3 generations before me. To have a more difficult, less predictable but purposeful life.
I can't say that I know what my journey will look like but I hope and pray it won't fit in a box. That He will use me in ways I can't imagine. That we will become a loving family for those who don't know His love. That I will be the hands and feet of Christ and teach my children to do the same.
I wanted the early generation life but I am adapting to the path of the 4th generation. Please don't misunderstand. I don't think I am "better" than the first three generations and I would gladly trade it all for the simple TX to OK path. But, I pray He will teach me to use and appreciate the Canada to Mexico path.
Lord, help me to trust in Your ways. To sift through the ashes and dance among the ruins. To see the signs of Spring and let beauty rise. This is my hope and Your promise. Amen.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics
Monday, February 4, 2013
It's been a while
It has been a while since I have written. Not because our journey is over or because things are going so well. But because I just haven't had the courage. The haze has lifted and the pain killers are gone. I am afraid to write. To share. I am scared of what others might think.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
Was it all a bad dream? Was he even here? Did we truly bury our son? How is it possible to meet and say goodbye all in one day? There are no more miracles to beg for or plans to focus on. I am at a total loss of what to say to my God. I often just speak names and pray He can fill in the blanks.
I feel frustrated with everyday life and at the same time over-attentive to petty details. I miss that little boy so much. I wanted him here to celebrate his brother turning six. I needed to make 3 valentine goody buckets and not 2.
I am angry about the extra weight I carry with no baby to distract me. I am frustrated that running, my healthy outlet for dealing with the stress, has been taken away for 8 weeks by a stress fracture.
I am MAD that I have a puppy that terrorizes my children and destroys shoes and purses. But if I am brutally honest I am probably more upset because he is a constant reminder that I got a puppy instead of a baby. I know he will turn out to be a great addition to our family and our kids already LOVE him. They ask where he is the minute we walk in the door and fight over who feeds him or gets to take him for a walk.
I feel guilty that Andrew has worried about the dried blood in Charlie's hair. Why didn't I think to explain that all babies are born this way and it was not because he was sick? I had no words when he told me that he can't get Charlie off of his brain. How do I help him when I am struggling with the same?
It is heartbreaking that Mckinley is infatuated with babies. She will stare, talk sweetly and beg to "pat pat" them. She would have been such a wonderful big sister to Charlie.
Mostly, I just feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? What will fill that void in my heart? What do we do with the extra bedroom in our home? The life I planned and envisioned is destroyed. Do I believe He knows better? Yes! Do I have so much to be grateful for? Yes! But there will still be days I will mourn the loss of the family and life I dreamed of.
John 16:33
"I have said these things to you, that in me
you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I
have overcome the world.”
STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN - SEE
Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re here with me
And finally you’ll see
But right now all I can say is Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching
This night of weeping seems to have no end
But when the morning light breaks through
We’ll open up our eyes
And see, its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And He’s counting down the days
Until He says come with me
And finally
He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new just like He promised
Wait and see
Just wait and see
Wait and see
And I’m counting down the days
Until I see,
Its everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Til He says come with me
And finally we’ll see
We will see
We'll taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
The Lord is good
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good
Monday, January 21, 2013
Are my days better or worse?
My mom asked this question earlier this week and it made me think. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it was all just a bad bad dream. Until something reminds me. The beautiful candle made from casket flowers arrives in the mail, an aquaintance asks how the baby is, the freaky stalker-like Target baby coupons arrive in the mail or a stranger asks how many children we have. That is when my reality is no longer a dream.
I recently went to a friend's house that I visited the weekend before Charlie was born. I realized that when I was there for the Christmas party I wasn't really mentally or emotionally in that place. It was surreal to sit in her living room and remember what a different person I was then. Not better or worse just different.
I have read blogs and books that would mention something was a "sign" and the skeptic in me would believe they were making the "sign" fit their situation. I'm still a little cynical but I do believe over the last few months God has demonstrated his love is simple but moving ways.
For instance, I recently started running, okay jogging, alright technically a very, very brisk walking pace with a little bounce :) At about the 30 min mark my feet would fall asleep. Not fun to run on that pins and needles feeling. After a little research, I decided I needed new shoes. I have always bought the same pair of shoes from Run On. I just show them the old ones and they ring up the newest model. It probably isn't a suprise that the last year has done a number on our finances. We are clearly on a budget which doesn't include fancy running shoes. However, Jared had received a $100 gift card and he generously offered to split it. So we headed up to Academy and I tried on almost all the shoes under the $49.99. None of them fit well. I casually went down the more pricey aisle and a red tag stuck out $52.99. Wait! Those were MY shoes! I am sure they were the 2011 model but really "Who cares?!" Amazingly there were ONE pair of the shoes and they were my size. Jared found a pair he liked and when we got to the checkout stand our total was $100.52.
I know it is silly but in that moment I felt like God was patting us on the back saying, "The finances will work out just trust in Me."
I recently went to a friend's house that I visited the weekend before Charlie was born. I realized that when I was there for the Christmas party I wasn't really mentally or emotionally in that place. It was surreal to sit in her living room and remember what a different person I was then. Not better or worse just different.
I have read blogs and books that would mention something was a "sign" and the skeptic in me would believe they were making the "sign" fit their situation. I'm still a little cynical but I do believe over the last few months God has demonstrated his love is simple but moving ways.
For instance, I recently started running, okay jogging, alright technically a very, very brisk walking pace with a little bounce :) At about the 30 min mark my feet would fall asleep. Not fun to run on that pins and needles feeling. After a little research, I decided I needed new shoes. I have always bought the same pair of shoes from Run On. I just show them the old ones and they ring up the newest model. It probably isn't a suprise that the last year has done a number on our finances. We are clearly on a budget which doesn't include fancy running shoes. However, Jared had received a $100 gift card and he generously offered to split it. So we headed up to Academy and I tried on almost all the shoes under the $49.99. None of them fit well. I casually went down the more pricey aisle and a red tag stuck out $52.99. Wait! Those were MY shoes! I am sure they were the 2011 model but really "Who cares?!" Amazingly there were ONE pair of the shoes and they were my size. Jared found a pair he liked and when we got to the checkout stand our total was $100.52.
I know it is silly but in that moment I felt like God was patting us on the back saying, "The finances will work out just trust in Me."
Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
One Month
It has been one month since we met and said goodbye to Charlie. I have dreaded this day for a while now. I wish I was putting that cute one month sticker on his white onesie and posting it to Facebook or even that I might be in the NICU by his side as he was about to have heart surgery. Instead I will place flowers on his grave.
I have mixed feelings about visiting the cemetary. It is a place to reflect and remember yet I don't want to envision him in that tiny casket. I know that only the shell of his sweet broken body is buried there.
Andrew rarely talks about Charlie but this morning on the way to school he said, "Mom, if Charlie would have lived I would have given him ALL my stuffed animals." The only words I could muster were "Me too buddy. Me too."
Lord be with us all today. Stay close to Andrew at school. Watch over Jared as he takes down Christmas lights. Be near me and Mckinley as we travel to cemetary. In your name.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
I have mixed feelings about visiting the cemetary. It is a place to reflect and remember yet I don't want to envision him in that tiny casket. I know that only the shell of his sweet broken body is buried there.
Andrew rarely talks about Charlie but this morning on the way to school he said, "Mom, if Charlie would have lived I would have given him ALL my stuffed animals." The only words I could muster were "Me too buddy. Me too."
Lord be with us all today. Stay close to Andrew at school. Watch over Jared as he takes down Christmas lights. Be near me and Mckinley as we travel to cemetary. In your name.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Tears
Over the last few days the topic of crying has come to mind. Mostly how to prevent myself from doing it.
I think about being invited to look at Christmas lights in a limo a few weeks ago and Jared jumping at the chance. But me? No way! The thought of being trapped was too overwhelming. What if I lost it?
I think about our minister, who performed the graveside service, calling a few days later to check in. He said he had to debrief with another minister after the service because it was overwhelming. He mentioned looking up and seeing the tears streaming down my face and then glancing behind me to see the same in my Dad.
I think about the many times Andrew has "pretend cried" about Charlie. The boy can bawl because his sister rips his art work but his brother dying. That's a different story. And yes, I know this is completely normal.
I wonder why I sat through Le Mis and The Impossible and didn't shed a tear. I loved the movies and felt the pain and sadness but not one tear.
During the holidays, I rarely had to hold it together and I could always walk out of the room or leave the event if it got to be too much. But with the start of school and activities this week that won't be the case. I worry about making others uncomfortable or breaking into the ugly cry?
Why can't I cry like Monica Potter? "Kristina" bawls through every episode of Parenthood and somehow looks cute doing it!
All this concern about crying made me think what does God say about tears? Okay I didn't really come up with the question on my own. As a good southern woman would say, " God placed it on my heart." He did so through a book my Dad recently brought over...on his Harley.
book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie is a one year devotional and so far it completely speaks to me. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that he just "felt" he was supposed to buy it after seeing it out of place several times in Costco.
I didn't realize what scared me so much about crying until I read this passage.
I used to rarely cry, but now tears are always close to the surface, just waiting to be released. It is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored. Letting them out has been the only way to release the pressure of the pain. Along with relief, there is also the uncomfortable loss of control that is a companion to tears, isn't there?
Bingo that's it. Control. I need it. I thrive on it. But I no longer have it. Charlie taught me that and these tears reinforce it.
Andrew cries over a ripped paper but I can see a bigger picture and I know his sadness is temporary. I think that is how Jesus felt when He saw the people crying for Lazarus. Yet, he didn't belittle their pain or tell them to get over it or even try to distract them.
He wept.
I think He cried for the hurt Mary and Martha felt and because He could see what they couldn't.
I believe Charlie is being loved and cared for in a perfect place. I have faith that he is happy and healthy. But because I am human I don't comprehend the way He does and so I grieve. And because I cry so does He. My God doesn't tell me not to cry or to hide it but that He will cry with me and collect my tears and someday wipe them all away forever.
So if I cry when someone speaks to me, it will be okay. They shouldn't feel guilty for making me cry because they didn't. Losing Charlie did. It isn't comfortable to be the one that everyone feels uncomfortable around, but I can't change it.
So I will take a deep breath, say a prayer and get in the carpool line...with God wiping away the tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4
Jesus wept. John 11:35
I think about being invited to look at Christmas lights in a limo a few weeks ago and Jared jumping at the chance. But me? No way! The thought of being trapped was too overwhelming. What if I lost it?
I think about our minister, who performed the graveside service, calling a few days later to check in. He said he had to debrief with another minister after the service because it was overwhelming. He mentioned looking up and seeing the tears streaming down my face and then glancing behind me to see the same in my Dad.
I think about the many times Andrew has "pretend cried" about Charlie. The boy can bawl because his sister rips his art work but his brother dying. That's a different story. And yes, I know this is completely normal.
I wonder why I sat through Le Mis and The Impossible and didn't shed a tear. I loved the movies and felt the pain and sadness but not one tear.
During the holidays, I rarely had to hold it together and I could always walk out of the room or leave the event if it got to be too much. But with the start of school and activities this week that won't be the case. I worry about making others uncomfortable or breaking into the ugly cry?
Why can't I cry like Monica Potter? "Kristina" bawls through every episode of Parenthood and somehow looks cute doing it!
All this concern about crying made me think what does God say about tears? Okay I didn't really come up with the question on my own. As a good southern woman would say, " God placed it on my heart." He did so through a book my Dad recently brought over...on his Harley.
book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie is a one year devotional and so far it completely speaks to me. I guess it wasn't a coincidence that he just "felt" he was supposed to buy it after seeing it out of place several times in Costco.
I didn't realize what scared me so much about crying until I read this passage.
I used to rarely cry, but now tears are always close to the surface, just waiting to be released. It is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored. Letting them out has been the only way to release the pressure of the pain. Along with relief, there is also the uncomfortable loss of control that is a companion to tears, isn't there?
Bingo that's it. Control. I need it. I thrive on it. But I no longer have it. Charlie taught me that and these tears reinforce it.
Andrew cries over a ripped paper but I can see a bigger picture and I know his sadness is temporary. I think that is how Jesus felt when He saw the people crying for Lazarus. Yet, he didn't belittle their pain or tell them to get over it or even try to distract them.
He wept.
I think He cried for the hurt Mary and Martha felt and because He could see what they couldn't.
I believe Charlie is being loved and cared for in a perfect place. I have faith that he is happy and healthy. But because I am human I don't comprehend the way He does and so I grieve. And because I cry so does He. My God doesn't tell me not to cry or to hide it but that He will cry with me and collect my tears and someday wipe them all away forever.
So if I cry when someone speaks to me, it will be okay. They shouldn't feel guilty for making me cry because they didn't. Losing Charlie did. It isn't comfortable to be the one that everyone feels uncomfortable around, but I can't change it.
So I will take a deep breath, say a prayer and get in the carpool line...with God wiping away the tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4
Jesus wept. John 11:35
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