I shouldn't be sitting on the front porch writing and listening to rain. I should be at church with my family. I wish I could have a do over of this morning but since I can't I will pray for healing, forgiveness and the strength to do better next time.
This week started with the birth of our nephew, Parker. Precious and perfect in every way. A very joyous occassion!! Then there was the amazing moment of seeing my belly move as Charlotte kicked and played. Since Jared was at work and it was after 10 I turned to the world of Facebook to share my happy news. I assume the 60+ "likes" means a few others could relate to my joy :)
The week ended Friday with devasting although somewhat expected news. It seems Charlotte's kidney is no longer working. There is essentially no amniotic fluid left. Although I will pray for a miracle it is very unlikely she will survive. If we have even a few precious minutes or hours with her I will be forever grateful.
We have done all we can do at this point to prepare for her arrival. There is a team of neonatalogist that meet weekly to discuss patients and we are on that list. It gives me comfort to know that in case of a miracle they will be able to provide her all the support and care she will need. I will see my OB once a week for now. Mostly just for my peace of mind.
Jared and I plan on spending a short time in the coming weeks preparing for her passing. We have a list of questions and requests from certain family and friends we plan to address.
And then I will do my best to let it all go and enjoy each moment with her and the holidays with my family.
The above are my plans and prayers but I know it won't be easy. I am not strong as many have said. I am just a broken and hurting Mom trying to do the very best I can but often falling short. And I am angry at God and sometimes at whatever poor soul crosses my path. I have faith that He is carrying me and my family but I just can't always see or feel it. I currently don't like His ways and think mine would be much better ;)
I've been told that every emotion and feeling is important to experience. It is just when we dwell too long on one that we tend to struggle. I think that makes sense. I have decided life is just a balancing act and it is definitely easier to balance on the fairly steady ground I have lived most of my life rather than the current roller coaster that has become our life.
Much love to each of you! And a very special hug and prayer to those also traveling a tough journey.
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid.. I will never leave you nor forsake you.. you notice the Lord didn't tell Joshua not to be angry.
ReplyDeleteHe is the one that gave us a mother's heart, a passion for our children.. He knew we would probably get angry at times... it's a protection that is placed deep in our hearts. He just asks you to be strong and courageous and know that He is with you... especially when we are broken. It's hard to believe that through our brokeness His glory is truly revealed! Be strong!